August 10, 2006

The Prettiest of Princesses

Each morning I wait (not-so-patiently) at the bus stop for the bus to show up whenever it damn well pleases. Each morning I observe the following behavior from one exceptional Princess. While I'm listening to my iPod and cussing the bus out in my head I see this bitch. She is obviously waiting until she can see the bus from her Princess Palace, because I see her stroll down the lane and casually get a Washingon Post from the vend-o-box. Then she casually strolls across 4 (that's right, count 'em up FOUR lanes of traffic) to the bus stop. If she's early she oh-so-subtly cuts to the front of the line in front of 10 other people and stands there reading her paper. If she's late, well, then she waves pretty-princessily at the bus to stop (and it does) and she saunters through the oncoming trafic. I see this EVERY morning.

Now to the best part, the physical description. What do you suppose our Pretty Princess wears? What are her accoutrements? What are her accessories? Let me tell you. Each morning has her wearing a different hat (think Easter Hat complete with ribbon and wide brim). She is also wearing a nicely pressed dress with matching blazer or sweater -- I've never seen her wear pants. Under her wide brim you can see a VERY large pair of Gucci sunglasses that take up at least 50% of her face. The Gucci logo on the side of the glasses takes up at least 20% of the total sunglass volume. Then on her arm you see the typical LV tote. The pattern -- flawless. The pattern -- larger-than-life. The pattern -- you can see if from a mile away. Then just in front of the LV tote, facing out so you can see the label is a green suede Prada purse.

Of course, once we're on the bus, she sniffs and acts like the whole conveyance is beneath her. She spreads all her stuff out across at least 3 seats on an over crowded bus so us plebes can't sit anywhere near her. Such a tiny little nose stuck so far up, such beady little eyes hidden behind the large glasses (which I've never seen off her face), such total Valley Girl perfection. (From now on I shall call her Hillary, because I imagine that all shallow, self-absorbed, valley people are called Hillary.) But unlike us super friendly talk to people Hillaries, she's an aloof Hillary. An above it all Hillary. A vertiable Nouveau Hillary.

The best part about this Hillary par example is that ... all her shit is KNOCK OFF. I know this because the Prada bag looks rather tatty, and so does the LV bag. A real Hillary would buy herself a new Prada the minute, nay the second the suede started to get nappy. All of her clothes have seen better days, or more likely she's trying to look riche and buying the cheap imitation crap. She's wearing the hat(s) to cover up the grey in her hair that she can't afford to dye away.

Nouveau Hillary -- you've been put on notice. Cut the holier than thou act! Little do you know it, but you're riding the bus with a REAL HILLARY, and real Hillary's NEVER flash so much bling, we don't need to flash all that label around. You'll never know that my shoes are Kenneth Cole, and my watch is Citizen because their logos aren't emblazoned all over the place. (And for the record, merchandise with the smaller logo, or no logo at all is MORE expensive than the stuff with the large logos.) Lastly, you're on notice Nouveau Hillary, because I've like totally seen your employee ID badge. *SNAP* you work at the HUD! That's like totally the Office of Housing and Urban Development! *snap* *Snap* *SNAP* You've been officially gagged with a spoon Nouveau Hillary!


The real Slim Hillary.

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