December 21, 2007

Going To The Tundra

Cookies have been baked. Presents have been bought and wrapped. House has been decorated, tree is up. Christmas cheer has been spread. I don't know about you all, but I'm pretty much set. All I have left to do is wrap one singing, talking, obnoxious stuffed "Learning Puppy" for my niece.

Tomorrow, I shall be making the great, yearly sojourn to the frozen hinterlands of Toledo, OH. Always a fun and pleasant drive. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and I'm hoping it will be a great time. I'll probably come back with many crazy stories to share. Until then, the best of the season to everyone.

And a special shout out to Pisco for watching the furbeasts! Little does he know, but they'll bring him hours of fun-filled excitement.

December 7, 2007

Juvenile Humor

I am not a morning person. I pretty much hate everything about getting up, getting ready and going to work. It's probably because I don't get enough sleep, or maybe I'm just hardwired to be happier at night. However, there is one part of the morning that I look forward to. E-mail.

I love looking at all the spam e-mail. I never open any of them (I'm not that stupid!), but the titles alone provide hours of entertainment. Things had been getting a little boring: Cialis, Hoodia, Megadick, Megadik, Small Cap Stock, Ciali$, Pharmacy. I'm always amazed at all the inventive ways spammers come up with misspelling words to get around spam filters. But even that's getting a little boring.

My spammers came through for me this morning. The must have known I was bored with all the e-mail inquiring about my penis. So they started sending me spam asking about my coworkers' penii. You know, stuff like "Betty, worried about your tiny dik? Don't be ...." or "Josie, this'll give you a large JohnSon!" Apparently, I work in an office full of trannies.

Finally, if anyone can tell me what exactly "Natural Male Enhancement" means, I'd be very appreciative. I've seen billions of Enzyte commercials, but I have no idea what that product actually does. I do know if you order now it comes with a free pack of Vazomyne. So call now, operators are standing by.

Lard-HO!

I've long had this theory about the intersection between junkfood, healthly living, the economically disadvantaged, and the general fat-assery in the US. The general premise behind my super-scientific idea was that it's cheaper to buy crap than it is to buy things that are good for you.

Anywho, the wonderful folks over at the NYT posted this. They conducted a much more thorough investigation and actually used methodology and whatnot. You know, things that I just can't be bothered with. Turns out, they agree.

There's something really wrong when 1 red bell pepper costs as much as a family size bag of Doritos. Or what about $8.00 for 2 chicken breasts? $8.00 will also get 2 frozen pizzas at Target. Marginal utility says the pizzas are a better deal. Am I the only one that thinks it's ridiculous that you have to be "rich" to eat healthy?

December 6, 2007

More Mayhem

While Pisco contemplates the finer points of theology and religion this morning, I'll take a more mundane approach to life. (I don't think or write as eloquently as Pisco does, so I'll try to corner the market on banalities and let the grown-ups handle things that are actually important.)

Walking to the bus stop this morning, I watched a car bobsled down the ice covered hill and sideswipe another car. Bonus: The car that got hit had just been involved in a different and unrelated accident. So it was like a 2 for 1 special. It made for a interesting change of scenery from the frozen crow sticking up like a lawn dart, hub cap, belt and dog poop I usually pass to the bus stop. Fortunately, no one appeared to be seriously injured. VDOT seriously needs to get to plowing or salting or something because the entire street was a 4 lane-downhill sheet of ice. I digress.

Of course, I missed the bus by that much, and the next bus was late. But what really has me intrigued is what was going on with Metro this a.m. They were single tracking trains through the 3 busiest stations on the Red Line due to a "sick" customer. Metro took great pains to make sure no one stood on the platforms on the 'closed' sides. Every 30 seconds or so they announced loudly that everyone needs to be on the opposite platform. I didn't feel like wading into the mosh pit, so I took a slight detour on the Green Line. Finally, 2 hours after I left my house, I make it to work. At the price of $4.00, that's like seeing a matinee show at the discount theater! Thanks WMATA!

As a side note to metro, if your "sick" customer forces single tracking in 3 stations, "sick" isn't the appropriate term anymore. Critically injured, awaiting medivac, or radioactive are all better descriptors for what's going on. Passengers don't need to know everything, but a little more information might keep everyone calmer and more collected. Otherwise, we're going to be thinking "Unless the "sick" person hosed 3 stations down with toxic waste, there's no need for this."

December 5, 2007

Snow? Snow!!! SNOW (#*$^#$!!!!

It's snowing in the greater DC-toilet-bowl area today. It's the first snow of the season, so I'm pretty happy about this. I'm happier than I was last night, because the weather forecast called just for snow showers. We're now supposed to get 1 to 3 inches.

My happiness has been pretty short lived though. I forgot to factor in what snow does to the commute. It's so bad that if people hear that it's going to snow -- it doesn't have to actually be snowing -- traffic gets all snarled up. Seriously. Traffic was at a standstill on parts of 395 this morning and there was no snow in sight. Metro placed speed restrictions on all their trains. I bet there's going to be a run on bread, milk and toilet paper at all the grocery stores tonight as well.

I love snow. I love living in DC. I don't love the 2 of them together. It's like the difference between online stats and real-world reality. Where it might take 12 inches of snow to shut down Columbus, Ohio or Igloo-Sur-La-Lac, Montana, the mention of a possible 1 inch will do the trick in DC. You'd think it's a blizzard outside.

This was the requisite moan and whine about wintertime in DC post. We all do it every year. Because we've had 9 months to forget about how heinous it is.

November 30, 2007

Farewell, Oh Ye Political Giant

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November 21, 2007

Victory Is Mine!

I had a knit pair of slipper boots/mukluks in college that were my favorite things ever. I wore them everywhere, including on rounds. They even went to Mexico with me. Sadly, they died a rather violent death by dog mauling.

For the past 10 years or so, I've been looking for a new pair. I've scoured the internets, tried every variation in search engines and came up empty handed. I could have planned a trip back to OU to go to the store where I originally purchased these, but I'm not going to take a 7 hour trip (one way) just to buy a pair of $20 slipperboots.

Today, I finally found a site that sells them -- just as I remember them, leather soles and all. You know the first thing I did, after I got over the initial shock, was click on the "Buy These Bitches Now" button. I should have them in my greedy bootslipper loving hands in 3-5 business days. Pictures will be posted. Seriously. And maybe I'll even post the pictures of Roxy and Ginger that I was supposed to have posted months ago.

[If you doubt my love for these boots, there is at least one semi-regular commenter that has witnessed these boots in all their glory. They even went on rounds with me in said boots. I'll let you all figure out who s/he is.]

November 16, 2007

Oooooh, Barracuda

Do you like to rock? Do you like guitars? What about hair bands, indie punk rockers, and KISS? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then maybe you should come over to my Bitchin' Condo and play some Guitar Hero.

On a whim, the Mayordomo and I bought Guitar Hero III and 2 guitar controllers. It's been non-stop rockin' at our place since Monday. Mayordomo particularly likes "Barracuda" and "I Wanna Rock 'n' Roll" -- or whatever that Poison song is called. I'm more partial to the alternative songs: Social Distorion, Sonic Youth, and the like. Of course, Mayordomo hates this when we play together because it gives me an advantage. He never got into college rock, indie bands, or alternative music so he has never heard these songs before. Whereas, while I've never been a huge fan of heavy metal, you don't grow up in the 80's not knowing these songs.

And for some bizarre reason I've got "Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas stuck in my head. It's been there all week. The last time I actually remember hearing that song was over the summer when I was watching Supernatural. (You can laugh all you want, and I'll agree: The show is nothing but eye-candy.)

I've gotta go practice my power stance now. If you need me, I'll be in the 'concert hall' (OK, fine game room/guest bedroom) rockin. Just knock before you come in -- I might have some groupies in there with me.

November 13, 2007

Please, Recompete

We've got some serious issues with our property management company. Unfortunately, our Board decided that we're going to stick with them for at least another year. This despite the fact that there is wide-spread discontent with the antics of the property management company. (I know there were some compelling reasons to hold off on the recompete, but seriously ... )

Things got pretty interesting this weekend. Without any advance notice, we were advised that our garages are going to be power-washed, "effective immediately" and starting on Monday. A schedule, by level, with poorly written instructions followed. The notice finished with a disclaimer that all cars will be towed -- at the owner's expense -- if they are not removed prior to the power washing, and that the Association is not responsible for any damages.

Never mind that Monday was a Holiday. Never mind that many people had already left for a long weekend. Never mind that there aren't enough guest spaces to accommodate 5% of the cars on any given parking deck. Never mind they knew about this for 2 weeks prior to the event. We won't even talk about how ridiculous it is to clean a garage right before all the salt and grime of winter is going to start accumulating. And, finally, never mind that the Board was never asked for approval of this project.

There are going to be some seriously pissed off residents/owners when they discover their cars are missing from their assigned parking spots. Hopefully, this will be the last nail in our property management's coffin, because they are getting seriously out-of-hand. Someone needs to remind them that they are not running an apartment complex, so heavy-handed mandates from on high are not acceptable. They need to be reminded that while they exist to manage the complex and to a certain extent enforce our by-laws, at the end of the day, they work at our discretion. As far as I'm concerned, these people are going to find themselves out of a job.

November 8, 2007

Grab Bag

In the frenzy of the last few weeks, many things that I wanted to post about escaped my attention. So to make things easier, here's a bulleted list. That's

folks, cause that's how I HTML.

  • Taxi Drivers throwing a hissy fit: The area taxistas have been all bent out of shape about a proposed plan to do away with the crazy-as-hell 'zone' system in favor of the never-before-heard-of meters. Pro: no more getting ripped off by dishonest taxi drivers. Con: people who rely on taxis to get places would end up paying more. Personally, I think a hybrid system could work well. Give customers the choice of using the meter vs. the zone system when they enter the cab.
  • Pilot Project: Within a few days I hope to bring the Emergency Douche-cast System live.
  • Crazy Lady On Metro: Nothing says all primped up for a job interview like wearing a business skirt-suit set 2 sizes too small, and grabbing the waistband of your pantyhose from the outside of your skirt and hiking them up and letting the elastic snap satisfyingly. All in plain view of everyone on the metro. Repeatedly. I'm still not sure what the walking backwards out of the train and on the platform in high heels was all about. However, and I say this in all sincerity, I hope you're OK, and that you got the job.
  • Visitation By The Unnamed
  • Clean House 2007: Sunday was super-hyper cleaning Robobo-Gobobo CLEAN! day. Clean House: Let me showz you it.

I'm thinking I need to go out and do something exciting this weekend. There's only so much of sitting on the couch doped up on Vicodin and muscle relaxants drooling on myself that I can take. I'm gonna take this show on the road.

Nothing New of Note

No, I'm not dead, in hiding, suffering from a disfiguring skin disease or anything remotely like that. But the project that ate my life 2007 edition, is almost over. My portion is complete, and it has entered the testing phase. Within the week, the website redesign should go live. It's kind of cool because I'll have something 'concrete' to point at and say "I did that." Of course, I now have a new massive project. Which also involves HTML, CSS and all that fun web stuff. So, it looks like I'll still be dreaming in HTML code for at least a few more weeks.

Outside of work, I'm happy to report that we have done away with Fall entirely out here. We moved from the hot and humid 85 degree weather of Extended-Summer-In-October directly to the 45-50 degree I-Hope-You-Own-A-Parka-Early-Onset-Winter. Two weeks ago, lows were in the mid-to-high 60's, now it's about 37. Granted, I love wintertime ... but I like Fall better, and I'm a little annoyed it didn't really happen this year. On the positive side, this means I get to wear my new red hoodie sooner than expected.

Unexpected Bounty

To make a very long story short: I was perusing the company intranet calender yesterday, and I discovered we now get Veteran's Day as a paid holiday. Granted, that means we lose our 'floating' holiday -- but I usually forgot to take that anyway. I am so looking forward to this unexpected 3-day weekend!

October 24, 2007

Redux > Redux > The Final Verdict

I had the honor of going to the PT people on Monday for a follow-up visit about my Cylon neck. I met with the PA and she was really on the ball. I could tell that she had really reviewed my case file. We talked about the specifics of my case; she poked and prodded me to see if she could cause me any pain [she could]; she had me move my neck around and around and around.

The good news is all the deep-tissue and bone issues appear to be resolved. This means that the pain I'm experiencing isn't because of a problem here. The PA did note that I'm still having a fair amount of problems with the muscles around my neck and left shoulder. She said that's perfectly normal at this phase of the recovery. To combat the muscle spams and tightness in my neck she sent me home with 90 Flexeril and 90 Vicodin. Narcotics: Let me show you them. I don't need to schedule another follow up, and unless I'm still in a lot of pain 2-3 months from now, I'm completely done. So, pop some pain killers with me and toast to my almost completed recovery!

Busy, Busy. We Must Be Busy

The dearth of posting is directly proportional to the amount of busy at work. I've been working a lot lately. We're in the middle of a website redesign and I've been tapped as the Constructomatic. I've even been dreaming in HTML code and CSS style sheets. Fortunately, I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. All the major construction has been completed; we should be entering the fixing minor coding problems, editing content and making sure graphic elements are displaying where they should be very soon.

I spent most of this week entering data into the database that's going to back-end the search feature on the web site. This was a pretty tedious exercise, but it also gave me the chance to spot several problems with the new site. Looks like I'll be doing more work at home this weekend.

Lest it sound like I complain too much, I really enjoy this project. It's been challenging, and I've learned many new skills. I've also had many of my opinions listened to and favorably added into the redesign. So, while I'm tired, busy and have no social life -- I'm actually kind of happy and content.

October 17, 2007

Memory Lane

I don't remember much about 3rd grade. Most of my memories are rather vague; I remember being really happy that I had Mrs. Hellman because she was the super-cool teacher that everyone wanted to have. I vaguely remember some lesson about candy that involved us making red lollipops. And for some odd reason, I also remember that I did really well in the spelling bee, but I lost because I couldn't spell 'palomino'.

However, there are 2 very distinct memories that I have. The first happened during a story-lesson. We were all sitting on the floor kind of like a 20 kid pile up. A girl that lived a few blocks away from me was sitting in front of me. I noticed that she had just gotten her hair braided, complete with the hairbeads that were everywhere in the 80's. My 8 year-old mind was fascinated by this, so I reached out to touch her hair -- just to see what it felt like. Predictably, Christy wasn't happy about this and screamed "He touched my hair!" I was really super embarrassed. Mrs. Hellman said something along the lines of well your hair is different, and he was just curious about it. No harm, no foul. I didn't get in any trouble, but Christy was very upset. I wanted to apologize, but I really didn't understand what was going on. Since I saw Christy after school many days and played with her, things got sorted out.

My second memory is about month later during the ever popular snack time. We'd sit around the tables, and eat whatever snack our parents had packed for us. The class rich-bitch bully had decided that she and her posse were going to sit across from me. Betsy kept taunting and daring me to touch her Little Debbie StarCrunch. Mostly because she knew that we didn't really have the money to spend on snacks like that. After about listening to her for 5 minutes, I had enough of her and her stupid StarCrunch. Figuring that I'd gotten away with touching something I shouldn't have touched before, I jabbed my finger at the StarCrunch.

Betsy started crying. Mrs. Hellman treated me like the 3rd grade version of the AntiChrist. I tried to explain what happened, but I got read the riot act, was made to publicly apologize and I had to bring a whole box of StarCrunches to class the next day and give them to Betsy. Properly chastened, I came to school the next day and gave Betsy her demon treats. She responded that she didn't really want them and she just wanted to see if I'd actually touch her damn food.

Confused by the conflicting messages Mrs. Hellman sent out, I decided it was best not to touch anything that was not mine or physically attached to my body. But I couldn't help but realizing: It's apparently OK to touch the equally-as-poor-as-me black girl's hair, but it's NOT OK to touch the rich, white, blonde girl's snack. Growing up at the lower end of the middle class in a very rich suburb made me accutely aware of all the things I didn't have at a very early age. But without even realizing what she had done Mrs. Hellman had taught me something about how society in this very rich suburb worked: Rich White Girl > Poor White Boy > Poor Black Girl. Fortunately, that equation never took for me.

Christy and I remained friends until my family moved across town when I was 15. Betsy got steadily more stuck up and nastier as the years progressed. The last time I ever saw her was at the end of 6th grade. From what I heard, she was one of those popular rich tyrants in high school. Which of course means that everyone hated her.

October 11, 2007

Gettin' Jiggy With With

As Roxy and I were riding the elevator up to the Condo last night, it stopped on G1. A very nice Russian (or from one the former Soviet --stans) lady got in the elevator with us. We started talking about Roxy (*wag**wag**wag*), and what a pretty girl she is (*wag,wag,wag,wag,wag,wag*), and how social and full of energy she is (*tailexplodes*).

Now, I was a little unsure what this lady was doing in the elevator with us, because I told her that the elevator was going up and she clearly stated that she needed to go down. As we exited on our floor, a man entered the still up-bound elevator. As I was putting my key into the door I heard the following conversation between the Russistani and the Guy.

Russistani: OH! This elevator is going up?
Guy: Yeah.
Russistani: Oh, OK. I'll ride you.

Here's a little tip for you nice Russistani woman: Prepositions like "with" are not really optional in English. Because, I'm sure you really didn't mean what you said. But, it was funny and the highlight of my day.

October 9, 2007

New Links

Ashamedly, I have to admit that I'm a big fan of the LOLcat meme that's been going around for the last 2 billion years.

I can haz cheezbergur? No, not yourz, kitteh.

But now I've discovered 2 new sites that make me happy:

Stuff On My Mutt (for the dog lovers) and
Stuff On My Cat (for those that love the pouncing hairball factories.)

Enjoy.

AJ & Ebert

I hauled the Major and Princess HotMuffin to the movies on Saturday. Unfortunately for all of us, I took us to see The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising. Now, this should have been a totally awesome, crap your pants, squeal with delight movie. It's based on one of my all time favorite novels, The Dark Is Rising, by Susan Cooper. I read this book when I was around 10 and it's stayed with me throughout the years.

I went into the movie with an open mind. The idea was to accept the movie for what it was and not compare it to the book. Normally, this would be a good strategy, but they should have really put a disclaimer on the movie: This movie is VERY loosely based on Susan Cooper's novel, and by loosely we mean almost not at all.

About the only things that remain from Susan Cooper's wonderful book are character and place names, the search for the signs, and the general Light vs. Dark theme. This movie is so different from the book, it could be qualified as an entirely different story. Kind of like fanfic written by 12 year old with a penchant for fire and explosions. With that in mind, I have to say that the movie is your typical, Hollywood-style pablum for the masses. There are plot holes big enough for the old Star Jones to fit through. There is little to no explanation of why Will Stanton needs to search for the Signs -- or indeed what each Sign is. Will's supposedly got a bevy of powers at his command, but the only thing he really does with them is set stuff on fire -- torches, cars, trees. For some reason Will travels through time, and ends up in a 17th century cockfight, a Viking invasion, and a church infested with snakes (apparently, St. Patrick hadn't been there yet.) The dialogue is craptacular, character development is non-existent and I just don't buy Francis Conroy as an rapier-wielding ass-kicker. (Just where did she pull that epee from anyway?)

But my main problem with this movie is that the book provided such excellent source material there should have been no reason for it to turn out like Britney's new hit. I honestly get updating the story and adapting scenes so they work well on the screen. But if you're going to throw almost the entire original story out, why even bother making the movie? Bottom line: if you haven't read the book you'll probably enjoy this as a rental. If you have read the book, skip it or you'll rage and start blowing up cars just like Will in this movie.

October 2, 2007

Weekend Update

I would love to say that I had a super-hyper-productive-monkey-force-go! weekend, but it was pretty lazy.

Friday I headed out to Thaiphoon (lame name, great food) with a couple of friends. This is a good thing. Thaiphoon is one of my favorite restaurants -- the cashew chicken is superb. It also doesn't hurt that it's located next to the Pentagon City Mall Super Complex Of Fun Shopping. I broke my rule about going into a GameStop, but surprise I couldn't find the game I was looking for.

Saturday was more of the same. Princess HotMuffin came up to visit me, and I'm happy to report that she's completely over her many illnesses. We had planned to go to several stores and run some errands, but we got as far as AC Moore and decided we were too tired. We went back home, ordered Chinese food and watched Dr. Who on DVR. (The muffin claims that Dr. Who is Dr. Who-ier at my place.) I did 'come alive' around 10 and did some chores around the place, but that was short lived. By 10:45 I was in bed watching Bones Season 2.

I managed to be a bit more productive on Sunday -- a few loads of laundry, got several errands run, took out the trash. I also got a new quilt. It's green. And plaid. And I love it. The best part is that it's lightweight, so the Major can't complain that it's too hot. He's happy sleeping with nothing but the sheet in -10 degree weather. I like a nice comforter in 70 degree weather. This should solve that problem. Other than the insomnia on Sunday night, I had a very restful and relaxing weekend.

September 28, 2007

Conundrum

It went down like this:

Last weekend an upstairs neighbor came down, and pseudo-introduced himself. But he wasn't coming down to borrow milk or a cup of sugar. Instead, it was a more of a diatribe barely staying on this side of civility. He asked me if I smoked and I responded in the affirmative. He then went on a tear about how the smoke wafts up to his unit, and he hates the smell, and his wife is pregnant, and the moon is going to fall from the sky and kill all the cute ducks in the pond. Not really. He did demand that I no longer smoke on my balcony and go somewhere else. I looked at him and said "whatever. It's nice to meet you." and closed the door.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm very conscious of the smell of smoke and I try my best to minimize the smell and smoke to others around me. I try to be very considerate. However, this asshole is the same neighbor that I caught spitting and throwing water on Roxy from his balcony. We've also found nails and some weird jello-like substance on the balcony. Somehow, I can't seem to make myself care about this idiot when he's terrorized my dog. Also the Major and I own the place. How dare he tell me what I can and can not do on my own property?!?

Now I understand that one gets into a tricky spot with issues like this. He should be able to keep his windows open and enjoy the fresh air if he choses. Just like I should be able to smoke on my balcony if I so desire. Personally, I hate the smell of smoke (cigarettes and cigars), but if the windows are open and our nextdoor neighbors are out on their patio smoking a few cigars, I close my windows or I deal with the smell. I realize that living in a multi-unit structure means there are somethings you just have to put up with.

Anyway, this guy was so much of an asshole, the Major -- who has been screaming loudly for ages that I need to quit -- told me "you should go out on the balcony and smoke a whole pack right now."

September 27, 2007

It's Official: The Bitch Is Mine

Shortly after the Major and I moved into Condoland, we decided it was finally time to get a dog. The idea was that since I 'picked' the cat, he would be the one that got to 'pick' the dog. (Anyone who's ever adopted an animal from a shelter knows that you don't choose the animal, the animal chooses you.) The Major's reasoning was that he wanted the dog to be primarily bonded to him, much like Bosco bonded to me.

But there was a flaw in his cunning plan: we adopted Roxy when the Major was better known as the Hobblenatrix. (This is a another story in and of itself, but the long and short is that he had a broken ankle.) For the first 2-3 months, I was the one that played with the dog, walked her, potty trained her, and taught her other commands. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened. Just come over to our house and watch what happens when we let Roxy out of her crate. She'll make a bee-line straight for me and ignore everyone else. Eventually, she'll notice the other people, greet them and play with them. Eventually.

Roxy declared her allegiance openly and officially last night. When I fell asleep last night, Roxy was sleeping in her crate and the Major was preparing to sleep in the guest bedroom. (He's not in the doghouse, he's sick and didn't want to spread the love.) Around 4 in the morning, I tried to roll over, but there was something pressing against the back of my head and shoulder. I thought it must be a pillow because I was only about 1 foot from the edge of the bed. I soon realized that it was Roxy. She had balled herself up as small as she could make herself and wedged herself between the edge of the bed and my head so she could be as close to me as possible. As I was processing this information, she gave me the "it's not time to get up yet Dad what are you doing" look. I slid over to the other side of the bed, and Roxy spread out a little bit -- just enough so that some part of her was still touching me. She could have slept on the empty half of the bed, or on the empty half of the bed with the Major in the guest bedroom. Instead, she decided she wanted to sleep more-or-less on top of my head. Sorry Majorica, this is Brandi -- the dog is mine.

September 24, 2007

Offroading

Sorry I've been a little incognito of late. I had a touch of the flu earlier in the month. Then my neck really flared up and I had to get all my meds refilled. (And I was doing so well, and not taking any painkillers at all. le sigh). And to round out the triple play, I came down with a severe chest cold that was probably bronchitis.

Also, I've been working on some RL projects that have been absorbing a lot of my time. Way back when I was just a tiny AJ, my grandfather taught me the joys of cross-stitch. Everytime I'd go over to their house he was working on some piece, and it intrigued me. He won many awards at fairs for his works. I've kept with it over the years because it reminds me of him, and it's also one of the few 'arty' things I can do. I didn't get the drawing/painting gene that my grandmother seems to have. And I only got a moderate dose of the musical gene. That being said, I've been working on some Christmas presents -- hopefully, I'll finish them before December 25.

Finally, I've rediscovered the joys of Tad Williams' series Otherland. I'd forgotten how much I loved these books when they came out. So, I've been reading them. Oh, and I finally rounded up Bones Season 2 on DVD ... so I've been watching that.

September 13, 2007

Tricksy Sneaky

You've really got to keep an eye on those hurriwhos these days. For what seems like the billionth time this season, I've went to sleep and woken up to discover that a small tropical depression has marshalled it's forces and become a hurricane. Of course, this pleases me because I'm all about the edutainment. But it's also a bit scary that storms are intensifying this rapidly. I'm sure if hurricane Hermione or whatever the H-named storm is hadn't been so close to shore, it would have gotten stronger.

I am waiting patiently for depression #8 to form into a nameable storm. Because then we'll be that much close to seeing my namesake becoming a hurricane. Granted, for those of you that know my real name, the name will be misspelled ... but I can deal with that. I'm hoping it becomes a massive nasty evil storm that takes out everything from South Carolina to Mississippi.

The Art of Being Ridiculous

It looks like there are some people out there who don't understand the definition of hate speech. Apparently, the concept of satirizing/mocking all those people who give their award speeches and thank God and Jesus now qualifies as hate speech. At least in the eyes of people who think Kathy Griffin shouldn't have said the things she did.

Personally, I think it was funny. I've often watched award shows and thought to myself why are all these people thanking God. It's not like the majority of them go to church or are particularly devout in their faith. It just seems like that's what you say when you win an award. Much like complimenting all the others who were nominated in your category and didn't win. Puh-lease. You know if you win the award you're thinking "I'm the best, that's right bitches" and if you lost you're thinking "damn, how did that no-talent heifer beat me."

I'm also angry that people would equate Kathy's words with hate speech, because they just don't get it. When you hear "homos are evil" and "you'll burn in hell" and "all fags should die" on a daily basis, you kind of get a good idea of what hate speech is -- and what it isn't. Kathy didn't hate anyone, she just made fun of a perceived hypocritical behavior. I think these idiots just need to get over themselves. Kathy's words would have been nothing more than a flash in the pan, but now that they've been highlighted it's sure that everyone is going to know about it.

September 10, 2007

She's Bringing Sexy Crack

AJ and friends went misadventuring this weekend. The 'Malator and her friend Ashley wanted to go out dancing. I rounded up the Major and we went and got our tipple on. At the club, we caught the tail end of a drag show. There was one performer that was working the place for all she was worth as Patti LaBelle. She even went down on the floor and imitated speaking in tongues. I guess this was a gospel song. The other performer we saw didn't check herself before she wrecked herself. I vaguely recall some home-made mix of songs she cobbled together (P!nk, Sweet Dreams (original & remix), etc.). She also looked like turkey crossbred with a potbellied pig who then decided to wear a spangled catsuit and a hat with a giant orange feather. It was not hot.

Then the dancing began. By the 3rd song (P!nk -- U + UR hand), Ashley christened herself with a new hot dance move that really shound only be performed by professionals. That's right ... Ashley became Assley. A little bump-n-grind to the floor resulted in a very torn pair of pants. Right up the crack, whole left cheek hanging out, because Assley was rocking the commando look that night. After a little panic, the Major came up with a solution. He lent Ass his boxer briefs, and the party resumed. Good old Assley didn't mind the the rip, so much as she minded her bare butt hanging out. So once she was decently covered it was game on!

I even got to use my powers for good. Some random guy grabbed Ashley from behind while she was dancing and she politely asked him not to touch her. He got really embarrassed and responded with a death threat. I took it to the next level and went and rounded up the manager on duty -- who I've known for many years. Skeezy dude got chucked from the club just like that.

All in all we had an awesome evening. And as much as I just made fun of Ashley, she's one of my all time favoritest people in the world. I don't get to see her that often, so this was a great treat. Ass and all.

September 5, 2007

Beware! The Killer Fans Are Here

I was trolling the internet the other day when I came across this little bit of joy. Who knew that we've all tried to commit suicide at one point or another? Who knew that the killer fans are among us, ready to do us all in so they can inherit the Earth? This reminds me of the Maya end-of-days mythology. All of man's tools will rise up against him and kill him. Discovery even had a special about it with cheesy re-enactments. Mom got taken out by the renegade waffle iron. Sister went up in a blaze of glory from the blender. Little brother was mauled by the Christmas tree, and Dad was killed by the paper shredder. No one expects the Korean Fan!

Crime Trifecta

My sister and family need all the well-wishes that they can get. On Saturday, their house (which they bought about 1.5 years ago) was burgled. The theives made off with their TVs, jewlery, some cash and many other valuables. To add insult to injury, the lowlives poured some type of acclerant all over their house and then set the whole place on fire. Then as one last parting gift, they found the spare keys to my sister's car, stole it, drove off, dumped the car somewhere in the greater Toledo area and then set the car on fire.

Burglary, Arson, Grand Theft Auto.

Unfortunately, the car is completely destroyed. Fortunately, the acclerant burnt itself out and only caused smoke and soot damage to their house. Unfortunately, almost everything in the house -- appliances, furniture, clothing, carpets, mattresses -- is unuseable. Fortunately, their cat escaped the house, and no one was hurt.

Also in the plus column, the insurance adjuster has already been out to their house. They've been given money to buy new clothes and their insurance has already approved a cleaning company. They'll be on site starting tomorrow. It also looks like they're going to be able to replace everything that was lost/stolen from their house.

I wish my sister and her family nothing but the best. These next 3 months or so are going to be very difficult for them as they get their lives and their house back in order. My parents are watching my 1 year-old niece while all this gets cleaned up. All my love and concern go out to them. And any other help I can humanly provide.

September 4, 2007

Three-day, Free-day

It was a very busy, if not relaxing, holiday weekend chez Condo. All I really wanted was to spend some time doing absolutely nothing. Somehow, we were on the go all weekend long. I’m conflicted because I enjoyed everything we did, but I do wish that I would have had a bit more time to just chill and do nothing.

Saturday we spend the first part of the day giving the place a much needed cleaning. It was one of those thorough cleanings where you move furniture that you normally don’t move. Six hours and seven bags of trash later we were finished. We then called up some friends – including a friend we usually don’t to too much with – and headed to Micro Center so Le Major could browse all the techie stuff. Then it was off to a wonderful Japanese place for a nice dinner. Conversation and food flowed and all were happy.

Sunday was a little lazier. We took Roxy over to the park for a cookout with our next-door neighbors. We had a good time socializing and Roxy met some new dogs. Five hours in the sun was enough to tire Roxy and I out. I did catch part of an interesting documentary about what would happen if a super comet smashed into Earth. In case you’re wondering, just about everyone and everything dies.
Monday we went out to the National Air and Space Museum with our friend the ‘Malator. We saw many planes. I’m not all that into aviation, so the place lost appeal after awhile. The Major and The ‘Matalor had a great time though. We got back to the house, ordered pizza and watched TV that will rot your brain. Oh, and I did about 4 loads of laundry.

August 24, 2007

Because I couldn't seem to motivate myself this week, I get to take work home this weekend. It like totally blows chunks, Heather, that I have to spend time working at home. On the positive side, it's something I actually enjoy doing.

Granted, I probably don't have to this. However, I want to be able to surprise the bossman when he gets back from vacation on Monday with a fully completed project. So while you're all out there enjoying the 110 degree weather (what's up with that anyway? From 75 to 110 in 2 days?!) think of me sitting at home building a website from the ground up. And cursing at my laptop because I can't get the HTML or Javascript to work the way I want.

August 22, 2007

Tagged and Bagged

Pisco has tagged me. The mission, should I choose to accept it is to list the joys and trials of my belief system. I don't really have a cohesive belief system; it's actually more of a nebulous intersection of many ideas that I've run across in my life. I was raised as a Methodist, gave that up and have since explored ideas from New Age religions, Paganism, and religious philosophers like Eliade and Freud. (Yes, Freud did write at least 1 book on the nature of religion.) In sum, I'd qualify myself as an Optimistic New Age Agnostic (with Atheistic leanings).

Rules
1. You have to use your own belief system for the meme. No fair using someone else’s to make a joke or satire. Being humorous about your own religion is encouraged!

2. You have to have at least one joy and one trial. More are encouraged. And no, they don’t have to be equal in length, but please be honest.

3. You have to tag at least one other person. More are appreciated!

4. Please post these rules!

Joys
1. I can be as much of a magpie as I want. Any idea/belief that I come across that dovetails nicely with my belief system can be incorporated and adopted.

2. My beliefs are constantly evolving. I don't feel tied to any particular belief, because I know that at any given moment I could be proved wrong, or find a new way of understanding something.

3. Each person is divine. We all have the spark of the Infinite within us.

4. No monolithic organization telling me what to think/do/act breathing down my back.

5. Rejection of the idea that humans are inherently flawed and sinful beings and should spend their whole lives atoning for this. I'm not perfect, but I strive to be the best person I can be. If I make a mistake, I learn from it and move on.

6. Karma.

Trials

1. Not having anyone else who shares my exact belief system. I do miss the sense of community from my Methodist days.

2. Having to explain the difference between agnosticism and atheism. For some reason people think the 2 words are equivalent.

3. Tolerating people's disbelief and ridicule when I state I believe in ideas like karma, reincarnation. Also having to convince them that I'm perfectly happy not being a hard-core Christian/Muslim/Jew/whatever.

4. What if I'm wrong? I like to think that if there's a God s/he'll be forgiving of my skepticism and realize that I've strived to be the best person I could be. But there's that old-school Old Testament indoctrinization in the back of my head that goes off and says "what if God really is that vengeful."

5. Karma.

I'm tagging the Scorpio(s) to play this game.

August 21, 2007

Monster

Have you seen the latest satellite images of Hurricane Dean? That thing is gigantic! I'm don't know the exact measurements of the Yucatan (and I'm too lazy to go look them up). I can say that I've lived in the Yucatan. I know firsthand that it takes a LONG time to drive from Merida to Cancun -- about 7 hours at roughly 60 mph. My point being that the Yucatan is big. And Hurricane Dean is more than covering the entire landmass of the Yucatan. This storm is going to tear that place up.

Fashion Faux Pas

I spent most of my weekend hanging out with my friend Joy. (Except for Sunday when I retrieved the Majordomo from the airport. He was kind of whiny, but we can't hold that against him because he did have a very long week. And a long flight.)

Anywho, Joy and I found ourselves at the DSW, which probably wasn't too smart of an idea, because we both have little self-control when it comes to shoe shopping. I didn't spend too much and I walked out with 2 pairs of shoes. Later in the evening, I took a pair of the shoes out and I noticed that the leather where the eyelets for the shoelaces are were 2 different colors. Closer examination revealed they were also 2 different leathers: suede and hard leather.

I went back to DSW the next day to exchange the shoes for a matching pair. The cashier was very pleasant and let me do the exchange no problems. The interesting part of the experience happened when the cashier called her manager over to ask what should be done with the mismatched shoes.

Manager: Oh, this is really just a fashion thing. Put them back out on the shelf.
Me: [staring incredulously at manager] Are you kidding? Those are 2 different shoes!! There's 2 different types of leather on those shoes -- one's suede and the other's dark leather.
Manager: I was just kidding, couldn't you tell?
Me: No.
Manager: Well I can see why this would bother you. Maybe after a few drinks out on the town you'd look down at your shoes and be all like 'hey, these don't match.'

At this point I just stopped talking to her altogether. The exchange finished, I walked out of the store. I get that she was trying to be funny after a what we'll generously call a failed joke. And I wasn't drunk when I noticed the problem, nor had I worn the shoes at all. You can bet from now on I'll thoroughly examine shoes from now on. Because you know the minute I left the store, the manager put those shoes back out on the shelf.

August 15, 2007

Double Swirl Fun

I was seriously beginning to think that my edutainment was going to suffer this year. But then out of nowhere, the Atlantic kicked it into high gear. We've currently got Tropical Storm Dean (soon to be Hurricane Dean) playing out near some islands. It may even make landfall in the States. Then as a bonus, out of nowhere, Tropical Strom Erin just popped up in the Gulf of Mexico. Apparently, Erin's aiming to take out parts of Texas.

I was making due with the antics of Hurricane Flossie -- who has been downgraded, but is still intent on causing some damage to Hawaii. It's just not the same when they're over there in the Pacific. I like my storms to be from the cold, nasty waters of the Atlantic. And now there's 2! Hooray for edutainment!!

Oh, and why is it that any time the media reports on a hurricane said hurricane is 'swirling' towards something? They always 'swirl,' although sometimes they do 'churn.' I think someone needs to send the AP a thesaurus.

August 14, 2007

They're coming

I know I promised a few weeks back, that I'd post some pictures of the fur-childrens' slumber party. I was actually going to do it this week. That was until the Major galivanted off to Europe and the Middle East with the camera. (Did I mention I'm a lazy punk and I hadn't offloaded any of the pictures yet?) If it's any consolation, the Major hied off with the camera without taking the charger. And he discovered the battery is pretty much dead. So be patient my little treats, and I'll post pictures of the demonspawn when the camera gets back.

xoxo

The All-Spark's A Dud

The Transformers movie was half a hot mess. I finally got around to seeing it this past weekend with a friend. We laughed at the 'Satan's Camaro is chasing me' line. There were a number of other really funny lines. Parts of the movie really worked well and were very entertaining.

But somewhere, somehow, the whole movie just fell apart. It wasn't until the credits were rolling that I realized that the movie was much less than met the eye. It wasn't quite blowbots in disguise, but it comes awfully close. I can't quite pin down what went wrong. I do know I didn't like any of the robot models, and the CGI was a whole hot mess. That's not to say the CGI was poorly done. It wasn't. It was poorly executed. When any of the transformers transform, you're left staring at the screen having no clue what you just witnessed. Is that a robot arm? Maybe it's a robot leg? Robot heart? Hole should have wrote a song for this. And I'm seriously annoyed that Bumblebee's head and torso look more like Johnny-5 than a supercool Camaro.

I had such high hopes for this movie. The Transformers were one of my favorite cartoons when I was a kid. I had many of the action figures. (I loved the ones that you combined to form a bigger, badder robot.) I left the theater somewhat disappointed, because it had the potential to be better than it was. I think it would have been easier leave outright hating the movie.

PS. Jon Voigt looks like a bag of moldy suet in the movie. Who left his face out in the rain and let it get all melty?

Disaster Planning

Without getting into all the boring details, someone’s been acting like a spoiled princess at work. It’s run the gamut from making assumptions, to failing to specify exact details, to miscalculating dates, and ending with a series of spiteful e-mails. The net result has been an exceptionally crappy start of the week for me.

I’ve already had to bring the smack down twice. And that’s never pretty. Especially when all I need to do is outline the facts, and someone ends up looking like a total idiot. I’d be inclined to be gentler if someone hadn’t cc-ed half the company on the crazy. Here’s to hoping tomorrow’s quieter, because I’d actually like to get some work done this week.

August 9, 2007

Because I'm Shameless ...

... I ganked this from Pisco.

And your Harry Potter Alter-Ego Is?
You scored as Remus Lupin, You are a wise and caring wizard and a good, loyal friend to boot. However sometimes in an effort to be liked by others you can let things slide by, which ordinarily you would protest about.

Hermione Granger

80%

Sirius Black

80%

Remus Lupin

80%

Harry Potter

70%

Albus Dumbledore

70%

Ginny Weasley

65%

Ron Weasley

60%

Severus Snape

60%

Draco Malfoy

50%

Lord Voldemort

10%

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com

Call for Cards

My friend Princess Hot Muffin is having a very bad week. A very bad last 2 weeks, to be more exact. Her Hot Muffinness was supposed to come up and hang out with AJ, but she called to let me know she wasn’t feeling well. Mz. Muffin went to the doctor and came back home the proud owner of (1) a vicious sinus infection and (2) a rockin’ case of pink eye.

Apparently, this wasn’t enough for our Royal Muffin. In a bizarre mouth-burning incident (that may or may not have involved hot pizza), a third friend has invited itself to the party – Shingles. So, everyone should send Princess Hot Muffin their love and well-wishes for a speedy recovery.

PS. I would have mentioned that Mme. Muffin was helping me steam clean my carpet, but then this whole post would have came across as some type of coded lesbian porno.

August 6, 2007

And Yet I Still Live

Last week was heinous. By the time Saturday afternoon rolled around, I had worked 56 hours. I'm still not in any condition to physically handle that much work, so I was combating physical exhaustion all last week. Predictably, I got a good nap in Saturday afternoon and slept pretty much all day on Sunday.

For the most part, last week's meeting was a success, and there was very litte friction amongst the participants. On the other hand, I had huge handfuls of nasty dumped in my lap while I was trying to make sure the logistics for this meeting came off without a glitch. There is only one real job function I have that I truly hate, and the powers-that-be decided that I would be spending the better part of last week doing that.

On top of having a bunch of people in the office and dealing with the Task-I-Hate-More-Than-Anything, I was informed that my timesheets have been reviewed back to my start date in 2002 to get an accurate picture of how much vacation/sick time I have or don't have. This is apparently what the company does when one has to take leave due to a serious illness and/or surgery. It's going to be a hot mess, and I'm less than pleased about it.

Anyway, that's where I was last week. This week isn't looking too much better. Something about an arbitrary deadline being moved to the end of the week.

July 27, 2007

Fuzz Overload

Watch this space for some pictures. We're dog sitting our friend Joy's Shih-tzu this weekend. Roxy and Ginger are great pals, so we're going to have to take pictures of the cute-overkill that's going to be going on at our place this weekend.

Function In Progress

Gamestop is now officially on my list. They were previously just 'on notice,' but they've been upgraded. Or would that be downgraded? Semantics, I suppose.

I was out running errands the other day and I walked into my local Gamestop (Bailey's X-roads for anyone's who's interested). The salesperson said hi to me when I entered and that's the only thing he said to me for the 15 minutes I was in the store. I tried to find the game I was looking for on the wall, but the place was such a mess I couldn't be sure that they didn't really have the game. I walked up to the counter to ask the salesperson about said game -- he was in the middle of an exchange. While I waited, a little rug rat ran up and started talking to him then ran off. Also, the salesperson's friend walked in and they started having a little powwow about how he wasn't going to work open-to-close tomorrow, and complaining about work in general. He finally finishes the return, the crazy rugrat runs back up cutting in front of the now 5 people waiting in line (I'm at the head of this line). The salesperson finds the other person working and tells him to man the register because he's going outside to hangout with his friend for awhile and then walks out. (I didn't even know there was another salesperson in the place because this guy looked like he was shopping for games.) Finally it turns out that his 'friend' is really the manager of another Gamestop in the area.

I was so fed up at this point, I just walked out of the store. I will not be shopping at a Gamestop ever again. It's really just the last in a long string of bad experiences I've had at Gamestop (notably, salespeople lying about release dates, lying about their available stock, trying to sell me damaged merchandise, trying to sell me used games as new games, and my favorite trying to scare me into pre-ordering a copy of a game with them because "you won't be able to find it anywhere else if you don't pre-order it with us.") From now on, I'll be buying all my games online or at Best Buy. I'll miss being able to pick up some used games on the cheap, but it's not worth it to me to do business with such a poorly run company.

In The Life

Netflix delivered Another Gay Movie to our house yesterday. After watching Who Wants to Be A Superhero the Major slapped this little bit of raunch into the DVD player. It's a few parts American Pie meets a few parts Date Movie meets ... In other words, it's a gay take on all the popular movies and spoofs that are out there.

All I have to say is that if you ever meet Graham Norton dressed up as a Dom Top and he happens to be calling himself 'Rodzilla' -- you're going to want to tell him that you definately do not like Belgian Chocolate.

July 23, 2007

Lazy, Hazy Lay-in

It was a very lazy weekend chez Condo this weekend. We didn't stir until at least 2, and we got lots of much needed rest and relaxation.

Friday night I went on an adventure to the Giant around 12:10 to buy allergy meds to combat the itchiness from the the percocet. While I was there I noticed I nice big pile of Harry Potter by customer service, so I helped myself to a copy. I am happy to report that it is an excellent book. Easily the best in the series. I may change my mind when I'm finished with the book. For now at the 200 page mark, I'm very pleased with it.

Saturday we took a trip down to the outlet malls. I picked up some new work clothes at the Ralph Lauren store, and they weren't too terribly expensive for once. Majorkins decided he wanted a palm tree while we were roaming Ikea, so we got one of those as well. We also spent a good deal of time at Best Buy. The Major bought a lot of stuff -- so I donated my $50 gift card to the war effort. And did you know that you can 'add memory' to Vista machine with a flash drive? I didn't, but I do now. My Vista laptop got a 2 GB boost to its memory thanks to the inventiveness of a certain special someone.

Sunday was pretty lazy too. We did manage to make it to a cook-out at a friend's place. We had a great time and it was nice to just relax and hang out with friends. And it helped that the food was really good. (Note to self: be sure to get invited to more parties at this place again.)

Given that we were so lazy this weekend, I'll have to do laundry sometime during the week. And get my car detailed. And get the oil changed. And get it washed. And I should probably clean the house too. I've let the Major's mess get completely out-of-hand.

July 18, 2007

Gen X for the win

I was reading this article the other day about how the boss-men are all irritated with Gen X and Gen Y employees. Basically, we're the worst 2 generations of ungrateful brats that have ever graced the planet. We're lazy, we're disloyal, we feel entitled, we're too informal, we're disrespectful, we dress like slobs and they don't want to hire us. [I'd look the article up and link to it, but yeah, I just can't be bothered to do that.]

Beside the obvious comment that every generation has said this about the generation that comes after them, there is just so much wrong with this. I'm like totally fer sure that all Gen-Xers and Gen-Yers are exactly the same. We all belong to a great hive mind that tells us when, where and how to irritate our higher ups. I don't know about you, but I get that information beamed into my head every night when I'm sleeping.

The way I see it is, I'm not lazy (although I can be). I prefer to work smartly. I'm not going to put in a ton of hours in the office for no compensation. I'm of the work to live camp, and I have a life outside of the office. I'll admit that I'm not particularly loyal to any employer. That's becaue I know they're out to get the maximum amount of work out of me for the least amount of money. And when push comes to shove, they'll can me if it helps the bottom line. Why should I be loyal to a company that isn't going to be loyal to me?

Don't get me started on ties and formal office wear. Wearing 'nice' clothes does not affect my ability to do my job. The only time this comes into play is when one is dealing with clients and the expectation is that you look nice. I'll dress up for that -- but to sit in my office and mess around with HTML? I'm not getting all dressed up. Also, don't expect me to respect you just because you have a great title. I'll respect you when you've proven to me that you're worth being respected. I'll treat you politely, and I expect that you do the same to me .... but I'm not going to lick your boots because you're the Executive Vice-Assmunch of Development and Tossed Salads.

Basically, what it boils down to for me is that some people are really mad that on the whole Gen X and Y have completely rejected the established idea of how the workplace should be. We don't want to put up the crap our parents had to put up with, we've seen that there is a better way to do things. I don't want to spend the best years of my life slaving away for a company and sacrificing things and then when I've retired enjoy myself. I want to be able to enjoy my life now, and I want to be able to enjoy my job. Which means that I'm aware of how much I'm worth, and I'll jump ship the minute any sort of crazy comes down the pike. I'm not a bad worker, or afraid of hard work. There's just a limit to how much I'll actually tolerate.

Shelter In Place

I am getting really sick of all the Harry Potter headlines all over the internet these days. Specifically, the headlines that say "ending leaked" or "entire text posted on BitTorrent" or "click here for spoilers" or "Who lives? Who dies?". Am I going to have to stay off the internet all together until after I finish reading this book?

I understand that some people just don't get the Harry Potter thing. I also understand that some people are just anti-social punks that like to ruin things for other people. But come on, these books have gotten pretty much the whole world to start reading again. Not to mention that J.K has made herself a very wealthy woman from the power of her imagination, and 10 years ago she was dirt poor and struggling. These idiots need to show some respect or I'm going to have to get a posse of people and go around clubbing punks in the crotch with the bristly end of an ice scraper.

July 16, 2007

Rollover

Today's been a pretty good day. In no particular order:

--I purchased 3 new albums yesterday and I've been listening to them at work. So far, I like the Fey album the best.

-- I also downloaded a song from iTunes on Sunday which is now my new favorite song. It's "In These Shoes?" I heard it when I was watching Kinky Boots with the Major and really liked it, so I had to make it mine. And now it is mine. mine. mine. mine.

-- Neil apparently had a cheeseburger. He can has cheezebuger. Hope it was good Neil. LOLNeil is happy. I missed his IM because,

--I got free lunch at work today.

--And finally, my age is now divisible by 17 and 2. It was divisible by 11.

July 3, 2007

Pop Culture/English 101

What makes a case of diarrhea epic? I would argue that it's when it starts off as a head cold, that becomes a chest cold that morphs into a pseudo-sinus infection and then takes on qualities of the flu before hitting your lower GI tract that keeps you running to the restroom every 15 to 45 minutes for 2 days. Neil says that it's only epic when it hits 3 walls. Which begs the question: whose aim is that bad?

Certainly, I've felt like Frodo going to battle Sauron in Mordor the last few days every time I've shamefully walked into the bathroom. And my stomach has most definately been Reloaded and has had it's fair share of Revolutions, but you could argue that The Matrix really isn't an epic. I've certainly spent enough time in the potty parlor to have watched or read all of Gone with the Wind. So, if it's not epic, what is it?

Maybe it's something along the lines of The Canterbury Tales, The Heptameron, or El Conde lucanor. You know framework stories where there's a new tale each time but the idiots are still basically doing the same thing. Maybe it's episodic like Don Quixote. Today we're tilting at windmills, tomorrow we're wearing a pot on our head, but we're still having that pesky problem with our ass.

Most likely, as I'm blogging about the fact I've been sick as a dog and living in the restroom it can be qualified as a postmodern saga. Beowulf meets The Devil Wears Prada -- although that's really more a bildungsroman. Anywho, I'm off to take some Immodium and vanquish Graendal.

June 30, 2007

Grow Up Already

I don't know what Isaiah Washington's problem is, but I know he's not making things any better. Last week, it was all T. R. Knight's fault (mmm, yeeeeah. Let's blame the victim.) Or was it the gay mafia out to keep the black man down? I can't keep the crazy straight, so to speak.

Before that it was all the mean ABC's fault. I mean he did everything they wanted him to do so he could keep his job. Bzzzzz. Wrong. Thank you for playing. The correct response here should have been "I did everything in my power to show my regret and remorse over my actions." not "I did everything in my power to keep my job." As they say in crime, motive is a factor.

This week we finally get the racism card. The trump card that is supposed to excuse all bad behavior and make everyone in the U.S sympathetic to what he's went through. I'll be the first person in line to admit that black people in the U.S get a raw deal. Bigots abound, and life is probably 10 times harder than for a white person. However, this whole incident isn't really about race. People aren't scared of Isaiah because he's a tall, dark, non-submissive black man. People are scared of him because he's a crazy-ass pyscho that physically assaulted a coworker. Does he not realize how lucky he was that ABC let him finish out the year? Does he not realize how lucky he his that no law suits have been brought against him for attacking Patrick Dempsey? (Talk about creating a hostile work environment.)

I can't wait to see what the excuse is going to be next week. Maybe it will be flying pig-beasts from Mars. Or maybe body thetans. Yeah. I'm going with Scientologists for next week.

June 29, 2007

Walter Mercado Says ...

I was checking my AOL mail this evening and came across this article on AOL. The main point of interest to me is


Cancer is usually sensitive, family and home oriented, helpful, and nurturing. These nesters need a great family room. Cancer wants everyone together, and perhaps the best idea is a basement remodel for the whole family: a game room/teen hangout/tv room/home office. Whatever best suits your family. No basement? This is a perfect home addition because everyone will want to gather in the new space. That's what it's all about.
Um, yeah. I'll get right on that. I'll let the people who park below our condo know they have to give up their parking spaces because us Cancers need a basement addition to be happy. My AOL astrologer told me so. While we're at it, I'll also need a conversation pit to keep someone else happy -- since we're already digging down there. I don't really know what a conversation pit is, but I assume since it contains the word pit it would have to be below the main living area.

June 28, 2007

Not Suitable For Underage Consumption

Ganked, shamelessly from Jen's:
Online Dating
Mingle2 - Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

pain (7x) , gun (3x) , steal (2x) , gays (1x)

I first did this at work at it ranked my blog as NC-17 earlier this afternoon, but now at home I'm only an R. The word ranking is exactly the same. Personally, I liked the NC-17 rating better.

Confidential to 13

Not to happy with the results I gave back to you, huh? Looks like you made some serious heavy duty mistakes, huh? So instead of looking into the mistakes I reported, your solution is to have me go back and double check my work?!!? Because you couldn't have possibly have made all those errors? What makes you think I wasn't thorough when I went through that train-wreck in the first place?

Confidential to x11

Don't throw a hissy-fit just because I did exactly what you told me to do. It's not my fault that you don't remember the specifics -- I do because I wrote them down. [I wasn't trying to show you up when I pulled out the documentation to prove my point, I was merely demonstrating that I did exactly what was requested of me.] Additionally, it's not OK to change your mind about what you want after the fact in a lame attempt to make me look bad. Finally, don't act surprised when I throw a bit of attitude your way about your behavior. Seriously, who taught you it was acceptable to treat people this way?

June 27, 2007

Whipping Boy

I don't know what I've done to offend people at work, but I am now the official office pariah. Nothing I do passes muster these days. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say it's because I've been sticking up for myself lately. In the past, I'd just grin and bare it. Now, I call them on their shit. I think it really started when then neck went all WWE and busted itself and I decided to do whatever it took to take care of myself. The boss wanted me work PT around what was convenient for him, I decided that wasn't going to work and did what was in my best interest. I know he's royally roasted that I'm back at PT again -- he's made it clear he thinks PT is a waste of time. However, just because he's thrown his back out and refuses to see a doctor, doesn't mean I'm going to suffer the same way. I'm quite over living in pain, thank you very much.

They're also into this whole let's treat AJ as if he were a mental deficient thing. Now, I have my moments, but by no means am I stupid. If I don't understand what you're asking me to do, chances are the problem lays with how you explained it to me. My personal favorite this week was an argument over my timesheet. I don't remember what the hell I had for breakfast today, so I'm certainly not going to remember if I got to work at 8:40 or 8:50 last Monday. We're all salaried anyway, so it's not like it really matters. Also, despite the fact I've been asking, nay BEGGING for work, they haven't been giving me anything to do. So I fail to see how it really matters when exactly I arrive at work. Either way they're paying me to nothing. They may hate the fact that they I'm being paid to do nothing, but it's their own damn fault. To wit:

Of my own accord, I started reading some compnay documentation and one of our products so I could be of help down the line. When people saw what I was doing I was told that a) it was way too complex for me to ever be able to learn and b) it was a waste of my time and c) that I should stop immediately. I was a little amazed at this reaction, because I was sure that surfing the internet would qualify as a waste of my time, but apparently I was wrong.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I was given a project a few weeks ago with a totally arbitary and unreasonable deadline that I was unable to meet. I couldn't meet the deadline because the project was riddled with errors and I had to stop every 2 minutes to document said errors. Yet somehow that equated to me sucking at my job.

I know this will get better when they get used to the idea of me standing up for myself, I just wish they would grow up already before I snap and go all Jerry Springer on them.

June 22, 2007

Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah

I don't want to jinx myself, or bring any further bad luck raining down upon my head like firey thunderbolts from hell, but I think I'm finally in the clear.

The past 3 weeks have royally sucked here in AJ land. It started around Memorial Day with the first of 9 migraines. Four of them happened last week (Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.) Needless to say, I wasn't very amused. I got in to see the doctor and he's put me on a migraine preventative (topomax) and relpax in case I actually get a migraine. He also wants me to get a CT scan to make sure the E-Z-Bake AJ brain isn't cooking up any shrinky-dink tumors or anuerisms.

Outside of the pharmacy to pick up the Topomax, the [insert deity of your choice] delivered the knock-out punch. The crown on my right front tooth just up and broke off at the gum line -- as in it took the post it was attached to. I spent about 12 hours looking like something off of Hee-Haw before the good dentists managed to fix me up. My dentist is seriously the best dentist evar! Using Terminator-Technology, he reconstructed the inside of the tooth above the gum line and fixed the crown. I now have a nice titanium stud in my tooth to match the titanium screws in my neck. I'm the pseudo-bionic-boy. I should make sound effects when I walk down the street now. I've already decided the theme music from Bones is my traveling music so I think I'm set.

June 4, 2007

Iron Chef: Spinach

There has been a new ingredient added to my list of foods to avoid at all costs: spinach.

Most of my triggers are usually chocolate + (fruit/vegetable). As long as I eat them within 48 hours of each other, it's an insta-migraine. The two notable exceptions to this equation are cranberries and alcohol; they're enough by themselves to send me running for the bed turning off all the lights in my path.

Some well-meaning people brought me breakfast Sunday morning, and it was quite tasty (even if it did have spinach in it). The spinach gremlins left me to my own devices all day yesterday, but they planned a blitzkrieg for 7:21 am Monday morning. I woke up (late) this morning to the sight of a pre-migraine aura dancing in my left eye. To top it all off, the last of Tropical Storm Barry decided at 7:25 while I was walking the dog to go from 'light mist' to 'torrential downpour.' Of course, the dog doesn't like to walk, much less, pee in the rain. Monday just isn't Monday with out something like this to start it off right.

For the record: spinach, cranberries, strawberries, any citrus fruit, chocolate, peanut butter and alcohol.

June 3, 2007

Rainy Day Swag

You may have noticed some 'improvements' to the side-bar over the past few days. Some of them have been to organize information, others are more self-indulgence. I've been hanging around the internet for so long that I get used to things being a certain way, and I don't really explore anything new. So, I did a little investigating to see what was out there.

In other related news, I've been extremely unhappy with my Vaio laptop. It's been behaving rather unlaptoplike -- it looks like the battery exploded or something, and the net result is that it has to be plugged into the wall at all times if I actually want to use it. The onboard wireless internet card died a long time ago (and if I accidentally turn it on, it will eventually crash XP and then this long nasty reinstallation of the OS is in order.

Today I had enough, and with a little help from the Major, I replaced the Vaio with a brand spanking new Toshiba Satellite A205. It was on sale at Best Buy for the low-low price of $750, and it's pretty cool. You'd never know it from the way I speak, but I am actually quite savvy about technical specs. The new laptop is pretty tricked-out and I'm quite happy with it. So, I shall be having new happy blogging time experiences to bring to the entire world.

May 31, 2007

Asshat Thy Name is TB-patient

So, I'm sure you've all seen the news about the asshole who's been continent jumping while carrying around a nice X-x-x-tremely drug resistant case of TB. Turns out that:

  • He's a lawyer (go figure)
  • His father-in-law studies TB for the CDC (i-r-on-y!)
  • This little bit of gallivanting was for his wedding/honeymoon

Call me old fashioned, but if I was diagnosed with TB I'd call of any plans and get myself treated. This asspirate knew before he left that he had a drug resistant strain of TB. But, because assmunches know better than their doctors, assknockers think they know that it's a-ok for them to travel all over potentially spreading TB-goodness to the masses. If a global pandemic of extremely drug resistant TB breaks out, I want to be first in line to cockpunch this assnugget.

Sign in the comments if you're with me. The queue starts there!

May 29, 2007

Faith

I'm currently reading 2 novels -- one in English, the other in Spanish. [Labyrinth, La Biblia de barro] This wasn't anything intentional on my part, but both explore alternate histories of what happened in Christianity's past: Labyrinth deals with the Cathars in Southern France and La Biblia de barro explores the idea of a 'Bible' written on clay tablets (i.e., a written history prior to the scrolls that compose the Old Testament.)

I find both of these novels to be very intriguing. They flesh out what Christianity is to me. My experience with The Da Vinci Code was similiar. It didn't destroy my world view, or bring the basic tenets of Christianity crashing to the ground. It simply added another dimension to what Jesus was like and who he was.

Neither of the books I'm reading now are anywhere near as controversial as Da Vinci, but they do make me wonder about why some people get completely bent out of shape about books like these. I know I'm a day late and a dollar short to this particular discussion, but I honestly don't see the 'threat' behind the idea that Jesus was married and had children. It doesn't change his message, nor his mission here on Earth. If anything it makes him more real, somebody I can relate to better. The same holds true for the tenets of the 2 novels I'm currently reading -- they add nuance, expand my knowledge and make me think. So, it makes me wonder why some people's faith can be so shaken by novels like these. As I learn more and expand my horizons it becomes easier for me to believe that people in the Bible actually lived and they weren't just fables or legends. And I truly feel sorry for those people that see books like these as heretical and threatening.

May 21, 2007

Kamakazi

I am very irritated at my upstairs neighbors. Last Thursday, I was out on the terrace having my before-bedtime-cigarrette. Roxy was roaming back and forth seeing if the neighbor's cat was out on her terrace so they could stare at each other through the fence. We were just quietly enjoying the cool evening.

Then I noticed Roxy jump back. A few seconds later I heard some water hit the concrete (and my dog). I walked out from under the roofed in section of our terrace and looked up. There were our neighbors on the 3rd floor -- trying to bomb Roxy with squirts from their bottles of water. They stared at me, I stared at them and said "NOT COOL!" They continued to stare at me, and never said a word. It was this weird lifeless stare, kind of like they weren't even alive or maybe they were possessed by zombies.

At any rate, I've been very leery about letting Roxy out on the terrace because I'm not sure if these buttheads are going to try to throw more water on her, or worse solid objects that could seriously hurt her. I've been debating telling property management about them; I'm relatively certain it's against our bylaws to throw anything off your balcony. However, I don't want this to devolve into some pissing match and have the upstairs neighbors on the 3rd floor retaliate. The dog would most likely bear the brunt of the retaliation, and I don't want her to get hurt.

Any ideas, because I'd like to be able to go out on my balcony-terrace and not have to worry about the idiots on the 3rd floor.

May 14, 2007

I Need A Y-wing Fighter Up In Here

Yesterday my friend J. and I were tooling around town. One of our stops was to the local grocery store. As we were walking out of the store and meandering back to the car, I noticed that this guy made a really random face at J. as he checked her out. I couldn't tell if he approved or disapproved of what he saw. So, I told J. that some crazy guy just checked her out. She turned around and said something, and we started to laugh.

We got back to the car and started to get in when the woman in the car next to us rolled down the passenger-side window and yelled over at us: "I saw you laughing at that woman. You all shouldn't be sos ig'nant. Get some culture." This crazy woman assumed that because she saw us laughing we had to be laughing at Darth Burka who was walking into the store about 10 feet ahead of the guy that checked J. out. (I know I shouldn't call this arabic woman 'Darth Burka' but she was all covered from head to toe in cloth with only that Cylon strip of an eyeslot to see out of.)

OF COURSE, J. and I noticed her -- it's hard to miss something like that. J. was thinking "wow, she must be really hot under all that cloth." I was thinking "holy crap. It's amazing that a woman's ankle or wrist or any part of her body is so subversive that the men in her culture have to keep her all wrapped up because the power of her pussy is so great that they won't be able to control themselves if they see even a bit of her pinky toe."

We ignored the crazy woman in the car next to us hurling insults at us, which she continued to do while we got into the car, loaded our stuff in and got ready to leave. Finally, as we were pulling out she screamed out the window "That woman was about as funny as you being fat." (J. is a big woman, and this lady had a real beef with J. In fact, all of her rants were directed at J. and not me.)

J. was really bothered by this woman's insults. I told her that it didn't matter what we said, this woman was going to have a negative impression of us no matter what. J. eventually got over the parking lot terrorrism, and we went on to enjoy the rest of our day.

To the crazy lady that cussed us out (if you ever read this blog):

  1. before you accuse someone of being culturally insensitive, you might want to be sure you know what you're talking about.
  2. before you call someone ig'nant, you might want to actually learn how to speak proper English.
  3. J. was engaged to a muslim for 3 years.
  4. It's not particularly smart to sit in a car with the windows cracked just a hair on a hot day in the middle of a sunny parking lot. It's even less smart -- ignorant even -- to have your baby in the backseat.
  5. I would assume that being a black woman you would be fed up with people teasing you and thinking less of you because of your most obvious physical trait. Therefore, it was really uncool for you to go for the gold and insult J. on her most obvious physical trait because we were ignoring you and not wanting to start any fight with you.
  6. Mind your own business.
  7. That is all.

May 11, 2007

Choose Life

I ran across this site a few weeks ago, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. Every time I play with my dog, thoughts of what happened to that dog cross my mind. I've lost pets before, but never have they been forceably taken from this life.

What stuns me the most about what happened to Marbles is that Gee's first choice of action was to get a gun and blow the dog away. Not only killing, but in this case the gun she used was the equivalent of taking out an anthill with a nuclear bomb. Why didn't she fire the gun in the air to scare the dog off?

I've read every article and link at the site. One thing that is abudantly clear to me is that Gee's story is wildly inconsistant. The only fact that she consistantly states is that she shot the dog. Gee seems oblivious to the fact that she killed a living being, and she's stated that she would do it again. Death is not the only solution.

I don't know how Marbles came to be on Gee's property. Maybe part of the electric fence was broken. Even so, a pet owner shouldn't have to fear that their dog will get shot dead by their neighbors. My heart goes out to Marbles and her family. I know it's never easy to lose a pet, but to lose one in this manner seems unbearable.

Postscript:
I had a really hard time writing this entry. I wrote, edited, rewrote and removed entire passages. I finally decided to focus on 'killing as a means of first recourse.' I want to be charitable towards Gee as we'll never really know what happened. To that end I removed a lot of text about her behaviors (i.e.: why were her children playing outside apparently unattended? among other questions I had.)

My final thought on the matter is that dogs will continue to escape their yards and roam around. We can't really change that, they're dogs. We can build better fences and keep a closer eye on them, but there will always be that one time the dog gets free. To that end, we can change how we react to a strange, possibly threatening animal on our property. We can chose many other options that don't involve killing the animal.

Reduxing The Redux

I'm back on the meds: percocet, flexeril, celebrex (and because it's allergy season claritin). I've been having increasing amounts of pain that have leveled off around the 4 mark on the pain scale (1 to 10). Most days the meds make life tolerable, but there are days when everything seizes up and the pain rockets up towards a nice 7 and I'm so sore and stiff I can barely move.

All in all, things are getting better. But. It's been 3 months since I've had surgery. I've called my surgeon and he wants me to go back to PT to help with the pain. He thinks that some massage, etc., will help calm everything down and knock out the last of the pain that I'm having. The bad news is that my PT doctor's first available appointment is June 6. I'm on the waiting list to get in earlier, but I doubt that will happen.

In all seriousness, I think PT is exactly what I need. The great majority of the pain is coming from muscle soreness in my shoulders and neck. Hopefully, they'll be able to rehabilitate me and get everything back to normal. Until then, I'll still be posting smacked out on the good meds.

Rolling It Out

Everyone give a warm welcome to the great big world of the bloggerdom to my friend Jolie. She's a little messed up with her 3 personalities and such, but that's why I keep her around. Normal people are just so boring. That and we have illegal amounts of fun making fun of the stupidity of others.

We've known each other for many years now. We've been co-workers, party animals (I'm thinking of that crazy-as-hell foam party), roommates, pet sitters and many other things during our long friendship which is now bicoastal. So, greetings to the web's newest terror out in Seattle from the gayest gay boy in flipflops in DC.

May 6, 2007