Metro Etiquette: Large and in Charge Edition

Uncle AJ is back with more tales of tomfoolery and bad behavior on everyone's favorite form of public transportation.

First up, we have a young lady with a very bad attitude. Look little miss-thing (actually, you're not really a "little anything," more of a manitee, or hippo -- we'll settle on hippo because those things are mean too), I can appreciate that everyone is in a hurry to get to work in the morning. However, pushing your rather large self rudely by me and almost knocking me over while trying to get to the exit, isn't a very nice thing to do. You need to understand a few things: 1) I won't move while the train is still moving -- I have very poor balance, I'm a total klutz and I'm usually smacked out on vicodin -- it's just not safe for me to move until the train has come to a complete and total stop. 2) Don't get all pissy with me if I'm not moving once the train has stopped. You see all those people in front of me, and behind me, and to the side of me? I can't move until they move. So be patient and wait until people have started to exit the train before you propel your vast bulk through the crowd to get to the exit. And 3) this has nothing to do with me being white and you being black. It's really a matter of, well matter. You see, 2 things can't occupy the same space at the same time. And really, when was the last time you ever saw someone not make it off of the train? MORAL: Be patient and wait your turn -- and people aren't racists because they can't defy the laws of the universe to let you off the train quicker.

Next up we have some high quality hilarity. LESBIAN BREAK UP FIGHT! That's right, it's kind of like the Glorious Ladies of Wrestling, only it's on the platform at the Pentagon metro station. I have one thing to say to you both: you really should keep your personal drama in your own home. That being said, I LOVED THE PRODUCTION! You all know how to put on a show! I loved the braid/hair tossing (so that you hit each other in the face.) I loved the running up and down the escalators to the lower platform chasing and screaming at each other. I loved how one of you had a total meltdown, slid down the wall and just started bawling. Now, if you'd both lose a little weight, wear some skimpier clothing (but not until you've actually lost weight -- I really didn't need to see the thongs you were wearing) you'd be every straight man's dream. I am glad you did make up and continue your day together. I'm disappointed you all didn't make out. I mean really -- you'd already caused such a scene, what more would a nice kiss done? Keep up the good work ladies -- that was some high quality entertainment. MORAL: Lesbian break-ups in the metro need more tongue.

Finally, we have some one who can't speak English. I'm not that much of a grammar nazi -- if I can understand your meaning, it usually works for me. But this lady takes the cake. Overheard last night:

"It ain't gonna never happen"

With 5 words you've managed to break almost every point of grammar in the English language. Really this is more of a pet peeve of mine than anything else, but come on! At the very least you could have said "It ain't never gonna happen" or "Ain't gonna happen" I feel really sorry for whoever had to grade your compositions.

That's all for this edition of Metro with AJ ... stay tuned for more.